theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
