I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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