just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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