Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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