That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
