I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
