she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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