white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
