Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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