My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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