so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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