Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
