M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
