Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
