I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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