There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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