Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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