It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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