I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
