when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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