My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
