well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
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