the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
