my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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