she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
