That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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