i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
