You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
zippers are such a cool invention
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
