some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
