On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
