he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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