Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
