I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
