I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
