Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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