So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
