i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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