i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize