Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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