this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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