drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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