I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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