i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
