dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think I just sharted jello shots
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