I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
