my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Shame is for Republicans.
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