A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
