What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
