Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
