i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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