Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
