I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
