i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
