Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
