I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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