Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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