Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize