I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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