Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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