does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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