HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
