OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
