I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize