I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
