You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My ass is underappreciated
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize