I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
