this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There r osticjed everywhere
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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