if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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